Top 10 Things You May or May Not Have Known About The Girard

Mr. Schaefer if you please...

Number 10 - I am incredibly conceited. I think very highly of myself. However, when dealing with other people in terms of making a decision, I prefer not to make a decision that way I can't be held accountable for it.

Number 9 - I am a passive aggressive person. I will not step to you and tell you that you are wrong to your face. Instead I will berate you and make offhanded comments. I will usually not drop it either, even though I should.

Number 8 - I had a troubling childhood. I was the 2nd of 5 (sometimes 7) and the eldest male. I had spring fever issues where from when I can remember up until about my junior year in high school, I always got in trouble when spring rolled around. The trouble was of verying degrees. I collected baseball cards, but in the 90s the packs started to get more and more expensive. The expensive cards came out of the expensive packs. I was in Target during my lunch hour, dressed in my nice clothes and a tie because I was going to the Honor Roll dinner after school. I lifted some packs of cards and headed for the door. As I was exiting, there was a couple that looked like they were in a hurry so I held the door open for them. The gentlemen came out first and grabbed a hold of my arm. My mother had to pick me up from the police station. That was probably the most mild of my offenses.

Number 7 - I love 90s music. Music from the likes of Ace of Base, Real McCoy, Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, etc. Sometimes this gets me some jeers, but I don't care, I like to jam out.

Number 6 - When I was younger, in our old house out in Mesa. I was playing online poker. I was messing around with a pocket knife and Marnie told me to quit it or else I would cut myself. Pocket Aces came up and I put that knife about blade deep into my left pointer finger knuckle. I wasn't supposed to be playing poker at the time, so I folded (yea yea, I know). Went out and showed the large amount of blood dripping from my hand. We double wrapped it and headed to the emergency room. The lady told us to have a seat. About 5 minutes later I was feeling dizzy, Marnie and I walked back up there and told her that it was bleeding a lot. It had bled through 2 double folded towels by now. She didn't believe me, I pulled it back and it squirted on her desk. She jumped up and I was seen immediately. I still have the scar on my hand.

Number 5 - I've had cancer. I had testicular cancer when I was 17 years old. It just started hurting on Friday, Saturday I didn't really notice it and then Sunday I couldn't walk. Monday I went to see a Urologist (no, not myologist, urologist). He thought that I had a hernia or that it was twisted from playing sports. He got my mother's permission over the phone (she was at work) and I was in surgery within a half an hour, I didn't get to see her before I went in. I woke up bandaged up and in those birthing type chassis on my hospital bed. I had about 8 people staring at my crotch, including my mother. My urologist (who was a pretty cool guy) said he had some good news and some bad news. The good news was that it wasn't a hernia or a twisted testicle, the bad news was that it's cancer (I had been out for about 5 hours or so and they ran the tests immediately after the surgery). They took the lymphnodes out all the way up to my waist, but couldn't finish the procedure because of the facility. The lymphnodes up to my waist all had traces of the cancer. Two weeks later I was on a plane to Seattle to the children's hospital to have the rest removed.

It was an 8 hour procedure. The hospital is connected to the university there and since I was one of 500 guys in the world that had this at this young of an age, if my mother signed a waiver so that I could be taped/used for class, they would pick up 3/4 of the bill. Of course we did it, the military paid for the other 1/4. I have a scar that runs from my waist up to the bottom of the middle of my rib cage. I couldn't really feel sorry for myself in that place, because there were 10 and 12 years old in the same area as me that were on dialysis.

Number 4 - I have Attention Deficit Disorder. When I was younger, my mother just told me that it was hyperactivity and not to drink red Kool-aid and I'd be fine. I got tested about 5 years ago. This was before WellbutranXR hit the market and I was on their test list. That stuff had huge problems back then. It sent me spiraling into a deeper depression than I already was in. It was very bad, suicidal thoughts, etc. I couldn't work, I could concentrate, but I didn't feel product and didn't want to work. I couldn't sleep either so they gave me sleeping pills as well. I was on a bad cocktail. There was pretty much one thing that pulled me from it...I got a job that I always wanted.

Number 3 - I believe that there is one person out there that is perfect for you and is your soulmate. I was lucky enough to find mine early on in life. I love Marnie with all my heart and there would be nothing that would ever drive us apart. We have been through some very very tough times and pulled through each time. And yes, we are still recovering from all the rent we put on our Discover card to start our life together. I absolutely love it when she laughs at my jokes too. I think that's all I really wanted in life.

Number 2 - I do not believe in organized religion at all. Throughout my life, I have been baptized in 5 different religions (Catholic, Protestant, Methodist, Baptist, and Luthern). One of those was on a bet basically. We were all playing football down at the park and a white van pulled up and out hopped some guys in black pants, white button up shirts and ties. They said that the first person to make it to the Baptist church (that was 6 blocks away) would get $10. I made it (this was when I was younger, probably a freshman in high school) and he said that I had to sit through the sermon and then I'd get it. I was hard up for cash at the time so I did it. I eventually was dipped in the water and got my $10. I've been to midnight mass with ex-girlfriends. I've been to teen night, I used to be able to name the first 8 books in the new testament. But I don't believe that there is some higher power that is either governing my moves, or will be there when I cease to exist. I believe that when we die, that is it. I do believe in the Force though (I'm kidding, it's just a fanboy thing).

Number 1 - I don't necessarily eat because I'm hungry. In my life, the place that I have found the most comfort is in food. When I eat a food that I like, it brings me to a better place and takes me from the bad place I was or was going. This has been true thoughout my life. When I was a kid I would sneak food. Not because I was hungry necessarily, but because it made me feel better. Unfortunately, this is a bad thing in terms of my health. I have tried to stop many times in the past, but I just can't do it. When I first started living in Virginia, I went Atkins, which still allowed me to eat some of my comfort food (most importantly...cheese) and I dropped some weight. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been in my life, I have to do something to correct this problem and I think the only way that I can do it is to become more active and try to do some activities that get my heart rate up.

That was probably deeper than it had to be and not as lighthearted some of the others, but whatever.